He Said/She Said is our dating and relationship advice column! Representing the men of the world is reformed ladies man and now devoted fiance Felix Gregory. On the ladies’ side is pro bono matchmaker Nora Fairchild. Every week, Felix and Nora square off, giving their view about your questions about dating! Have a question for our experts? Email email@example.com with “He Said/She Said” in the subject line.
This week’s question!
I dumped my ex a few months ago because she cheated on me, and I have to admit that I miss her. Over the last few week’s she’s been suggesting we get back together and telling me how sorry she is. Can I trust her?
Really sorry to hear about what happened to you. Unfortunately in this case, there is no set answer, and no specific rule. The whole “Once a cheater, always a cheater” maxim isn’t necessarily true. Sometimes people screw up, and sometimes people are douchebags. The question you need to ask first is “Why did she cheat on you?”. Was she unhappy? Was she just a c-u-next-Tuesday? I guess what I’m saying is that it’s going to come down to two simple things: Do you think she’ll do it again? And do you feel like you can trust her?
The problem when you think about this is that you can’t really trust your instincts right now. You’re going to be looking at the situation with “love eyes” — that is to say, you miss her, you love her, and you’re probably horny. Your mind is going to work against you to downplay the situation in order to appease your heart and your penis. This is going to sound crass, but I would suggest going on a date and sleeping with someone else — maybe ever a few people. Then think about if you still miss her, if you want her back, and if you can trust her. Your perspective will be much much clearer.
First, I think you need to ask yourself- do you miss her or do you miss having a girlfriend? If it’s the latter, don’t get sucked back in! If you do truly miss her, then I still think you should proceed with caution. Maybe start out with coffee or lunch, and work towards getting that trust back as a friend. If you decide to get back into a relationship, make sure that you two have resolved the issue that caused the cheating. If the problem is still there, it’s likely she will stray again.
I’m guessing that you don’t think you should take her back, but you want to take her back. You’re looking for somebody to tell you that it’s the right thing to do. Maybe it is, but move slowly. She has to earn your trust back.