I just started dating this girl, and she’s a virgin, which I think I’m okay with. The problem is that she seems to be upset about the fact that I’m not a virgin. Maybe it’s more like bitter. Either way, she’s always making snide comments about it. How can I get her to just accept that the past is the past while still keeping this budding relationship moving forward? –Ryan in Winnipeg
Quite a situation you’ve gotten yourself into, Ryan. Dating a virgin is tricky business, and you have to be as sure as one can be about someone before you move forward with your relationship, and especially before you sleep with them. Virgin girls tend to form an emotional bond with the person they sleep with first, and often it is incredibly intense. This does not mean every girl will form this level of attachment after their first time, but the chances of it are significantly high. In my more promiscuous days, I always had a No Virgin Policy, so as to avoid breaking hearts. I broke this policy once, with disastrous results.
I realize this wasn’t your question, but I thought it important to mention.
Now, the first thing you need to do is establish exactly what she’s upset about. You should know that, no matter what part of this situation upsets her, it’s something that stems from her own insecurity. That is, unless you had some sort of pact to lose your virginities together or something like that, or if you lost your virginity while cheating on her. Any of those situations would give her justifiable reasons to be legitimately angry about the situation. Barring that, she’s definitely insecure about something. It would be fairly unreasonable for someone to think that someone would hold actual anger towards someone just for their past life experiences.
There are a couple of things that come to mind when I try to think of what could cause her to feel that way. I can imagine one might feel a certain amount of insecurity if she’s one of those virgins that doesn’t *want* to be a virgin. There is an odd situation that occasionally happens to girls where they choose to wait for their first time past the first couple years of university. This, of course, is a perfectly respectable choice to make. The problem occurs later when they meet guys who also have a No Virgin Policy, as I did. I’ve known a couple of girls in this situation, and they often feel incredibly frustrated by it. I can see that manifesting into bitterness. The only other thing I can imagine causing that kind of reaction is that they have some sort of moral quandary with sex outside of marriage. Or, at least something similar to that.
How do you get her to move past that? Well, if it’s the first thing, than the solution should be fairly obvious. I highly recommend factoring in the warning I gave you when making this decision. As I said, there is a significantly higher chance the girl will get heavily emotionally attached, simply due to evolutionary reasons. You’ll want to make sure you really care about her before making that decision, and that you’re both ready. Don’t be a dick about it.
If it’s the latter, there really isn’t anything you can do, but I would recommend taking a good hard look at the two of you, and decide whether you really share enough values to make something work.
Just remember, the Policy exists for a reason.