Will and Kate's big day: The chatter and the etiquette.

There’s been a deluge of stories and stamps and collector coins and all manner of gossipy crap come out since the announcement of the engagement of Prince William and Katherine Middleton last fall, and I’ve been loathe to add my two cents to the pile, but being as the wedding is only hours away, and the speculation is growing, so it’s about time some comments are made about the upcoming festivities.  So, here’s some gossip, and if you are planning to watch, or have a party with your friends or do anything a little fun to honor the happy couple, have a bit of a read, maybe take a look at the tips at the bottom.  Please remember: if you don’t care, don’t read.  This is all meant to be fun chatter about a happy event.

Most of the world is not invited, and if you’re like me, you might be a little bit disappointed, mostly because the reception is sure to have one of the poshest chicken dances that the media could ever be barred from photographing.  It could be worse though!  If you just want to celebrity watch, comedian Rowan Atkinson, also known as Mr. Bean, and pop royalty Elton John are both invited, along with a number of Prince William’s fellow RAF colleagues.  Along with invitations, there is a list of lessons for all attendees, with etiquette items such as: turn your mobile phone off during the ceremony, no tweeting, and ladies are to wear a hat at all times within Westminster Abbey.  Those camping outside Westminster Abbey, even the royal superfan (who has been camped out since Monday) are not getting a list of proper etiquette, though, the thousands currently waiting really just have to cheer enthusiastically, something they’ll likely be quite good at.

There has been some real debate as to the style of Kate’s gown, which, for most girls, is the source of the majority of the gossip.  In a normal wedding, the gown tells all who see it about the bride, whether she be modern, a little bit of an inner princess, or a sad snow-beast looking victim with far too many aunts.  In the case of royalty and royalty-to-be, the fashions which the bride chooses often set trends for the rest of the ladies planning to get married in the following decade.  Since Kate is a modern, down-to-earth woman, odds are good that she will stick with something more simple and complimentary to her own natural beauty and avoid the extravagance (and puffy sleeves) of Princess Diana’s gown from 1981.  She has revealed that there will be some acknowledgment of the royal family into which she is marrying in the design, though the gown itself likely won’t be bright white (so we can rule out snow beast or anything remotely “My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding”).  It will be exciting to see the styling, colors and little tributes to princesses past which will reflect in her gown.  There’s no question that the gown will be spectacular in its own way, it will likely be modern, princessy and quite trend-setting, and the bride is too fashionable for the dress to be anything but beautiful.

Rain on your wedding day, contrary to the Alanis Morissette song, is generally viewed as good luck, so the downpour predicted for the wedding on Friday should be a blessing.  From a security standpoint, it ensures that a covered coach will be used to usher the prince and his princess about London, keeping them considerably safer when it comes to anarchists with sticks, assassins with actual weapons and run of the mill crazy folk wielding badgers or what-have-you’s.  When you’re obscenely wealthy and more than a little bit famous, security is important, mostly because nutjobs just aren’t interested in the middle class.  Along with added security benefits, rain has another positive.  Being associated with a bountiful harvest and fertility in most western cultures, it could serve to fuel the (already slightly premature) speculation about the first born’s first born and  herald in the long and happy marriage which eluded William’s parents.  Here’s hoping if it rains on the wedding day, it doesn’t rain on the newlywed’s parade.

Finally, for anyone who is planning on having a little fun to celebrate what will undoubtedly be one of the parties of the decade, take a look at the social tips for your own party.  Many of these apply to formal social occasions as well, so they are worth knowing.

1. If you toast the Queen, you may only do so with water or whatever the Queen herself is drinking.  If you don’t know what she’s drinking, go with water, and don’t clink your glass against another glass.  You can toast as you like for anything else, but the Queen is special, and you acknowledge that in your different style of toast.

2. You don’t need to stick your pinkie finger out when drinking tea.  “Pinkies up” simply refers to the angle at which you should pinch the handle.  Never put your fingers through the handle, but rather, extend your pinkie finger downward or to the side of the cup in order to gracefully avoid spills.

3. Don’t wear gloves.  Clean hands, clean nails (they can be painted, they just have to be clean) same rules apply for men (except for the painted nails part).

4. If you enjoy scones, never cut the entirety of the scone and then slather a half in jam.  Break off a small, bite-sized piece, place the larger piece back on your plate and apply your preferred spread with the butter knife.  If you are at a setting which includes a bread plate and a dinner plate, your bread plate is the one immediately to your left. (where your fork should be)

5. Ladies, you may be proud of your breasts, but we don’t need to see them.  A little cleavage is alright, but if you reach for the sugar and everyone else can see your navel, your shirt is too low.  Hats can be worn indoors if you’re female.  Please leave your hat at the door if you’re male. So!  Enjoy the wedding however you like, watch it, celebrate it, sleep through it, it’s all up to you!